Behind The Mask

I was listening to ‘The Show Must Go On’ by Queen a few days ago and it reminded me of a conversation I had with a colleague in town recently. He knew I had been ill for some time and remarked that even when I had bad days I never seemed to show it. My reply was “It’s the mask isn’t it?” and he knew exactly what I meant.  It’s the brave face we put on with others, the mask we all wear to hide the pain.

‘Inside my heart is breaking, My make-up may be flaking, But my smile still stays on’.

‘The Show Must Go On’ – by Queen.

The popular belief is that the lyrics refer to the fact that Freddie Mercury was dying – in fact he passed away quite soon after the song was recorded. His last ‘hurrah’, his legacy to a world that still didn’t fully accept him for who he was. Despite his fame, the joy he brought to millions from his incredible lyrics, music and performances, some people will sadly only remember that he was gay and died of AIDS – the first major rock star to do so. The mask he wore covered all the pain he bore – because the show must go on. And it’s the same for all of us.

We use masks for many reasons – to hide our emotions, after all real men don’t cry. Or do they? Personally I feel that the mark of a man is his readiness to show compassion.

Masks also help us to portray different personas to the various people in our lives. Are they different sides of who we are, or just the fragments we choose to show at the time? We often appear to be ‘a different person’ with the people we work with to that which we share with  those closest to us. Maybe too, different faces are shown to our friends as to family, or to people in authority, or people we don’t know well. We let people see just as much as what we want them to see, yet what are we afraid of? Are we so ashamed to be who we are in all situations, so fearful of the judgement of others that we have to wear these masks and juggle them daily?

“One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.”  K.L. Toth

There are also those that feel they are not beautiful enough to live in this world as they are – so they seek plastic surgery, wear loads of make-up, or make themselves ill by starving themselves to appease the gods of fashion, creating a new version of themselves as a permanent mask. But what counts is what is on the inside.

“No amount of makeup can mask an ugly heart”. Kevyn Aucoin

For whatever reason, we wear the masks, we choose to hide. But one day, if we’re lucky, we will find that one person with whom we can truly be ourselves, a soul-mate. We no longer have to hide, the mask comes off and the relief is wonderful.

“When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be.” Excerpt from ‘The Bridge Across Forever’ by Richard Bach.

This is part of a reading that I was honoured to give at the civil partnership of my daughter and her wife. Not long ago, the happiest day of my daughter’s life (and certainly one of mine), would never have happened. In some parts of the world is still illegal to be gay or lesbian, even to the point of facing the death penalty. Showing who you love is forbidden,  let alone having any hope of marrying the person that you love. More hiding, more masks. I was lucky enough to find my soulmate – my husband – and now my home is my safe haven, the place where I feel truly free. My family know each other and love each other for who they are and that is how it should be.  My Mum used to say “I am who I am, offend or please!” She was a straight talker, but it was always meant in love, never intending to offend, and that is how I strive to live my life and the way that I have taught my children to be – although I know that it isn’t always that simple.

Today I came across this poem – it was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar and published in 1896, in his first volume of poetry, Lyrics of Lowly Life. The son of slaves, he became one the first influential black poets in American literature despite his short life of just 33 years from 1872-1906. Maya Angelou credits him as inspiring her to be a writer, a line from one of his poems being the title of her autobiography, ‘I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.’

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us, while

We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet, and long the mile;

But let the world dream otherwise,

We wear the mask!

Paul Laurence Dunbar

The mask that he speaks of is worn for a different reason, but born of a similar cause – the mask of dignity that people show who bear discrimination in silence, so that the world cannot see the hurt it causes, the bitter tears that fall behind closed doors – or the ‘torn and bleeding hearts’.  It saddens me that over a century later, discrimination still exists in our world. I met a dear friend for coffee a last week and later it struck me that not too long ago and not too far away, we would not have been allowed to be friends simply because we don’t share the same religion. The same attitude was responsible for the holocaust and many other atrocities the world over, where the faith a man holds or the colour of his skin is more important than what is in his heart. The reciprocal happiness and support that has come from the friendship we share would have been denied to both of us; in another time and place, our priceless bond would have never been born. We are lucky, but for others, this madness continues today.

Anther mask worn is that to cover illness and disability. There are many invisible disabilities, which people who don’t have them, even know about.  There are also those that are intermittent or managed by medication until there is a flare-up of symptoms.  Like my situation at the top of the page, I know all too well the mask that hides a chronic illness. People say “You look so well!” when actually I’m living on 21 pills a day, dying for a nap, watching the clock till my next pain medication is due and wondering if I can make it home up our steep hill before my knees give out, on the ten minute walk that takes me twenty-five (with 4 stops on the way).  Often medication can make you look well when inside you aren’t. It’s a bit like wearing a wig when you have chemotherapy. You can’t judge people by appearances and you shouldn’t really judge them at all.  You don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life, what they hide behind the mask – what they have to deal with. Only by asking can you know what’s going on – if they want you to know, they will tell you. If you know someone has a problem which they hide, keep asking. One day they might be ready to confide in you, or they might need your help and are too proud to ask. People try to hide their illness or disability for several reasons. One, like mine, was fear of being seen as unfit for work and losing their job. Another is a similar fear, that of fear of disability discrimination. People who are ill or disabled don’t want to be seen as different or want special treatment – or to be ridiculed. Illness and disability are beyond our control, yet are seen by some as signs of weakness. Let me tell you that sick and disabled people are some of the strongest people I have ever met – they have to be, just to get through the day and they shouldn’t have to hide their suffering.

“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”  Greta Garbo

Mental illness – and in that I include depression, anxiety etc. – also comes with the need for a mask to hide you against the fear of ridicule, of nobody understanding what is wrong when you are too ill to even express it; of being thought as weak-minded, and worst of all is the fear not being in control and being forever lost in yourself. Enough to bear without having to hide that you are even ill and need help.  Gone are the days when a person with a mental illness was abandoned by their family, spoken about in hushed voices, hidden in the attic or locked in a gothic institution and forgotten about!  Yet sadly, the stigma of mental illness remains, despite the increase in publicity, accurate diagnosis and successful treatment. ANYONE might suffer from depression or anxiety at any time in their life. It is one of those hidden disabilities, a fact of like any other illness which needs to be talked about, acknowledged, accepted and dealt with. It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

“I thought by masking the depression with silence, the feelings might disappear.”
Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life

Are those that are deemed ‘different’ even the ones that should be wearing masks? To my mind, those ‘upstanding citizens’ that discriminate against people are the ones that should hide their faces. The ‘namers’, the ‘shamers’ the ‘finger pointers’ and ‘warmongers’. The people that shun others because they don’t conform to their image of normality.  They wear a mask of hypocrisy and hide behind a veil of respectability in their glass houses. The ones who won’t allow their child to play with a child of a certain colour, race or religion, or with a disabled child or a child with two mothers or two fathers. Those who allow their children to bully others; those who teach their child to hate. That, to me, is what is not normal. They are the danger to our world.

“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”  Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

Those who discriminate against others are the ones that wear the saddest mask of all – the one they use to hide their ugly souls. Remove their masks and they will fall apart, because inside it they are the weak ones, the cowards; the ones who seek safety in numbers in the name of their distorted view of what is acceptable. They need to be named and shamed. Take off their masks; show their faces, let us see what and who they are and like vampires in the sunlight, they will probably run away and crumble to dust.

“And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use” Elton John

So where does that leave us? To wear our masks or throw them away?   I say it’s the other people that have the problem. With or without my mask, I’m with Freddie!

‘I’ll face it with a grin; I’m never giving in –  On with the show …’

‘The Show Must Go On’ – by Queen.

© Alyson Mountjoy